sabato 23 luglio 2011

My last day here

I cant fucking deal with it. Or maybe I dont want to. I'll never get that kind of beauty, cause though I've bought blue contacts and I'll colour my hair again and I'll stay on a diet for the rest of my life, I'll never be a true blonde, I'll never have true blue eyes and I'll never look like an anorexic without being it. And I know I shouldnt be so depressed for this, but I cant stand it, it's a feeling stronger than me, and at night, when I'm nervous or angry, it gets stronger, and it destroys me, I cant control it. I cant control anything, anymore.. before, I had control on my life, on the food I ate and I didnt eat, on my relationships, on everything.. now, it controls me. I'm a doll, under someone's chains, in someone's gravity. Or maybe I should say something.. something that's only in my imagination.
Maybe it's only because I'm sad, and I shouldnt, since tomorrow I'm leaving, but I'm feeling so bad.. then.. today my parents will go to a marriage, and they'll be back very late, so I wanted to organise something with my friends at home.. but I dont have any fucking female friend who'd come. They're all on vacation, and those who arent wouldnt come the same. Idiots. So I have to stay at home with all boys, and my bf wont come any earlier so stay with me.. well, the day after i'm leaving, i have my house just for me and he'd rather sleep in his bad than being with me, alone, on my bed. Good, fuck you off, too, love of mine. I dont give a single fuck, one day, only one day and I'm leaving. I'll be there. In Germany, my beloved Germany. And I'll speak German, cause I know I can do it. I'll study like never before, I'll meet european people, and I'll look just like them. I cant wait for it.
If you arrived til here and you're asking yourself why the hell I chose to write down everything in english instead of italian, well the answer to your question is : I didnt want him to understand cause i'm angry with him, and I wanted to feel a little more british. I fucking hate my origins.
Well, goodbye, goodnight, for good <3

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